Lolcows of FanFiction
by DangerousFaggot
Summary: Gather around, children, point and have a hearty laugh at their expense. It's adorable how they think they're people, they're lolcows! Gifted to us by a loving creator to experience pure joy. Unfortunately, many have stopped mocking lolcows on the site as a result of a collosal drop in standards. It's time we put our lolcows back to pasture. Suggestions accepted.
1. SaiKunaiBlade: The Tryhard Lolcow

Hello everyone, I've completely forgotten I had this account on this shithole of a website. You may wonder what I do? Well, I'm simply a troll. And this is a pasture, this website. What resides in this pasture? Lolcows And you know what we do we to lolcows, right? We milk them. And I've encountered no bigger lolcow in authors than Sai Kunai Blade. Go ahead and ban me but the only joy in this site is how much shit it gets. Now drown in it in this shitpost. Let's have fun until the admins wake up. This is Lolcows of FanFiction.

There's something adorable about weeaboos, natures most common modern specimen of lolcow. They take fictional characters way too seriously yet are smart enough to realize their best option in wahmen is their waifus. Body pillows, fleshlights, and grease form the staples of their diets. They seek attention in anyway daddy wouldn't give it to them. On forums arguing who is the best waifu so they can feel major satisfaction when they fuck her pillowed visage. In YouTube comments because literally anyone who drops a YouTube comment has absolutely no life. And sexually because their frustration is to the point one stroke of their might, ham-laden fist could drop a skyscraper.

You may wonder what weeaboos have to do with Sai (a topic we'll expand upon in future trips to the farm,) but it is safe to say he is among the most preeminent lolcows I've encountered on FanFiction of weeaboos. For the uninitiated, a lolcow is a person you troll and visit purely for laughs in how they conduct themselves. For some, it makes them feel better about themselves, making them ironic lolcows because of how easily trolled they are in return. For some, it's a sport, like soccer, checkers, or getting out of the bed without the forklift. For others, like myself, it's cheap and plentiful entertainment. And it's all the more fun when the lolcow does their tasks straight-faced and as if it's normal. Truly adorable.

Weebs cluster to certain franchises and shun others, but the most popular tend to attract nearly all weebs to them, whether to praise and masturbate over or to rage and get in assblasted threads about why High School DxD is better than Dragon Ball Z. I can hear thighs chaffing and grown men panting across the nation as they run to their keyboards to get angry at an opinoin that doesn't matter. But the irony is enough to cure even the most brutal of spousal bruises when one considers that they are blissfully ignorant of how irrelevant their opinions are. Not even those who agree with you give a shit, deep down. They feign these feelings of camaraderie much like their waifus feign orgasm as they think of getting taken by Tyron or Jamal at the same time. Weeaboos are hollow, empty shells of power armor that feel nothing. They have been programmed by the god of the farm to be able to authentically simulate emotions but not feel anything but autistic rage.

Weeaboo anger is their only true emotion, aside from possible lust, which is among the many sins of their lives. One false opinion or even a half-hearted remark about a character you like can send a weeaboo into a rage. They bring their mighty sausage fingers down with the collective force of a diabetic banhammer with every stroke of the keyboard, typing faster than you can say, "M'lady," and tip your fedora. It is unknown if all weeaboos are born autistic or if they eventually transition into it once their genes kick in around puberty. Their pubescence is an unusual one as it only goes so far as to allow them to sprout a pathetic neckbeard, horrible acne, enough grease to satisfy their hunger for a half hour, and sustain a pathetic erection. Lacking in this transition is pubic hair, penal growth, deepening of the voice, dropping of the testicles, or maturing beyond the point of being a mewling manchild.

As I've alluded to previously, your best bet to find weebs is to frequent any of the anime storyboards. To differentiate between a weeb and a regular fan of anime is difficult because anyone who likes anime is already retarded. But regular anime fans smell noticeably better, tend to be in good shape, and have had sex. Weebs tend to be virgins (no, desperate anal sex doesn't count and neither do your pets, you degenerates), obese, stink with the force of a thousand Indian streets, and either wear fedoras unironically or adhere to atheism, the second biggest lolcow in religion. Another factor is how well they socialize, anime fans can assimilate among normal people, much like a sociopath searching for a target. Weebs will sit in a corner like that 4chan meme, people staying far away to avoid his stench and gravitational pull, all the while brooding in his own undeserved self-satisfaction. On a side note, some believe that weebs hide a nipple beneath one of their innumerable chins, hence why they are a lolcow. Yet, this is an unconfirmed rumor and will require the work of our best scientists and spelunkers to find the truth.

Finally, weebs are odd creatures, socially. Not just for how they turn vaginas drier than an African lake, but in general, they're just fucking bizarre. Weebs are antisocial by nature, staying in their mom's basement, surviving by day on a steady diet of their parent's wifi, their disappointment, and tendies. By night, they usually switch to a different position to sit so their gout doesn't act up. But, much like the mighty wildebeest, these massive creatures can migrate en-masse, provided the stair lift doesn't jam again. For they head to fan conventions, a literal market for exchanging lolcow goods for more lolcow goods. All they are is bad smells, cosplay straight out of their parent's pilfered bank accounts, and plastic crap. That's it. Unfortunately, there are less and less crocodiles known as Chads to prey upon these might beasts, for they've started to die out since the great Beta Uprising.

So this brings us to Sai Kunai Blade, the lolcow of weebs. This is an honor of distinction for one simple fact: his level of self-importance is the only thing that casts a shadow over his colossal, amorphous frame. This is embodied by his own OC, aptly codenamed S.A.I., which stands for Such an Incel. S.A.I., much like his author, is denoted for his bulging stomach, unwashed body, brand-new fedora, copy of The God Delusion with an unworn spine, and Jew talons. He eats babies, scares away women, and fondles only the finest of Peruvian pool boy genitalia. Much of S.A.I.'s physical characteristics are a mystery but, with subtle clues, we can assume zim to be a gender fluid Syrian migrant with three clitorises instead of testicles and 145 pizza crusts to comprise zis skeleton. When S.A.I. is not being a hog of vital oxygen literally anyone else is entitled to deserve, he does literally nothing else. He embodies his creator perfectly, as he is a smug, unfunny, uninteresting, self-important douchebag.

His attempts at humor and cynicism are just waiting for Diogenese to tell him to get his bulbous ass out of his sun, a process that may take days. This man is to humor what snapping turtles are to blowjobs. His way establishing an interesting character is to give them depth in backstory, complex growth and development into adulthood, and hard decisions to make them into who they are. No, just fucking with you, he's a Mary Sue who hangs out with established, actually existing characters of fiction that are only included to juxtapose good and bad characters, like S.A.I. He just kicks it with Dante, Bayonetta, and mad anime bitches because, hey, if the cool kids accept me, then everyone has to, right? Nothing hurts him. Nothing. Because he never faces a challenge because he's just so much better. What do you want, character development? Writing difficulty is hard! He's essentially Superman. Finally, the first two big pinnings of S.A.I. as a character make his attempts to matter fall flatter than Sai does into bed each night to have a good cry and Hot Pocket. He's not funny, he's not a good brooding character, nothing about him as a character is established well other than he knows how to associate with famous people more than a scientologist.

The most arrogant thing of all is the fact his stories are written in first person when dealing with S.A.I. To the mongoloids drooling over this (all, I assume, are involved in his expanded universe of OC lolcows), what more do you need to see this is a Mary Sue? All the kid does is beat everything in his path, earn the love and adoration of all his favorite characters, and even star in his own spin-off series serving the same purpose as YouTube commentators who use avatars: mask the hideous she-beast that creates the content like a building project in 1946 Hiroshima. But what makes him a lolcow of an even higher pedigree is not just his ego of his importance but of his opinions. Like his Death Battles Done Right or Correction series, books that caused Hitler to write Mein Kampf. To draw to my former point, differing opinions are to weebs what sun is to vampires and gingers. The assblasting he pumps out is equivalent to the force that created our universe, which is sad to think he can create life over shit that doesn't matter. It's almost a philosophical answer to the meaning of life: bitching on fifth-tier social media site.

Sai is not only convinced his subpar character has gotten him over like the Stone Cold Steve Austin of the website, but he's convinced he himself has done it as a personality, despite the fact he wouldn't get personality if got AIDS and named his band Queen. Full disclosure, where he keeps his OC out of his stories and writes about other characters, they're actually pretty good. Which makes it all the more adorable that it's his own creation holding him back. He is a self-sabotaging lolcow. But onto his character, Sai makes the fatal mistake many a lolcow makes: his ego inflates more than his colostomy bag and he's convinced he is a personality. The irony is lost on lolcows, for they are myopic to the point of blindness, that he lacks personality just as much as his OC. No one fucking cares about who wins in Death Battle, the creators did a long time ago when controversy and spectacle serve them better. Way to help their cause, you fucking idiot, you showed them by obsessively watching their videos and getting them more revenue. No one cares about how badly you want to toss Goku's salad and be reamed by him. Goku is the musings of one of the many artistic pedophiles of Nippon that combine stupid haircuts, overt homosexual tension, and is essentially Jesus for the mentally inferior: he gets the shit kicked out of him, comes back stronger than ever, and pop confetti, because a winner is you!

Let's just get down to the truth. Last Thursday, Sai saw Deadpool, missed all the caveats to why it was a decent movie and character, and set to make an OC like Deadpool. Ignoring the fact Deadpool comics are shit and his fans are lolcows, Sai misses the one thing that redeems Deadpool: he's genuinely funny. Sai's attempt at comedy is breaking the fourth wall and then addressing he has broken the fourth wall, exhale forcefully from your nostrils, you filthy casuals! Then he saw the Red Trailer, pulled up his Batman loosey brownies and declared, "Mom, come quick, I want that one!" But the idea of a spectacle fighter is lost on him since it turns out writing rather than visually displaying fight scenes is harder than Sai's cock for S.A.I. Then, much like he does for his gym appointments, Sai phones it in when it comes to characterization beyond being unfunny and a self-serving anti-hero Mary Sue. You'd think he would have picked up some personality hanging out with diverse and very charismatic characters across fiction. It's almost worth praise how consistently he refuses to build character, it's like a parable to the exact opposite of what you should do. And, yay, his mom ordered right away and got the good characters bundle thrown in for free, just one payment of $29.95, just pay shipping and handling.

But none of this is anything new about weeaboos, so what distinguishes Sai? Ah, good question, my young padawan. For, you see, lolcows need a territory to roam and graze upon the fruits of shit no one cares for. When that territory is insufficient, they need to expand. Fortunately for Sai's parents' health insurance, it was not he that expanded to greatly, though his asshole has done so dangerously from all the butthurt of Knuckles getting fisted and Goku get curbstomped. It is because of a fox in the tendie house, Critics United, THE lolcows of FanFiction. They realized, like anyone with two brain cells that could rub one out, that reaction stories are fucking stupid. No one even likes reaction videos and those are still more engaging than half assing the charade of keeping your characters in character. Here's the proof: dress up as Goku, react to Death Battle on camera, and then try not to hate yourself for what a shadow of humanity you've become. Pro tip: you can't. Normally, I hate Critics United for being puritanical cunts but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. When his butt buddy, Israel Pena, forgot to pay his shekels to the gods of FanFiction, Yahweh gave him the banhammer and scooped his shit out of the pen. Many lulz were had as lolcows wondered where they could read the opinions of other people vicariously through their favorite non-existant beings.

Sai is the greatest lolcow for thinking he's important enough to need to expand his sphere of influence. The issue is, aside from his mom when she can be fucked, no one gives a shit about him. It was purely a power play to get people to follow him there, too, since he's uploaded all his other stories there as well. It's like when a girl has a Snapchat and Instagram, it's because she's a massive, self-conscious attention whore. And Sai fits the bill perfectly: he misuses his talents, he makes the mistake of thinking people actually like him for who he is and not what he does, and he hasn't paid his taxes in years. S.A.I. is literally his worst enemy, he's Hamlet'd himself and, thus, he has no choice but to kill the king or an hero, so an hero probability is a 1. I'd tell Sai to stick to stories and less on his own FanFiction lore but he's too addicted to the smell and taste of his own farts to come off that high horse safely. It's an easily escapable corner he's written himself into he refuses to leave because it's the closest thing he's had to a fulfilling childhood. At least the bullies can't hurt me online...oh, wait...well, they can't hurt me in my stories, I do that all myself!

So, Sai, conglaturations on your position as the first entrant into FanFiction's vaunted Hall of Lolcows! Enjoy your stay beside gay slash writers and anyone who thinks My Immortal is real.

**Hall of Lolcows**

Sai Kunai Blade: The tryhard weeb of FanFiction.


	2. Lemon Writers: The Desperate Lolcows

Eh, I'm bored, someone give me a topic.

_Do My Little Pony!_

Nah, too easy. I don't want to get a suit for causing a suicide.

_Anime!_

I'll save that for an ambitious day.

_How about 13 Reasons Sai? Eh? EH? _

Wh-Sai, fuck off, you're not nor have you ever been funny. Also, unblock me, you fucking coward.

_Lemon authors?_

Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner! As a person of the sex having/had phylum, I can say nothing brings the lols of people trying to describe sex while never personally having had it. Not to mock the abstinent, even though you're automatically so retarded your brain should be repossessed if you write erotic fan fiction as an abstinent. It's like an asexual prostitute or entertaining Sai update, it's just an oxymoron. But these stories are written by the generally unfuckable. Which is 99.969% of this website's user base. Seriously, hands up for anyone with a healthy BMI (and it is accurate in this case, none of you lift anything heavier than a double-quarter pounder) or who knows what mongrams such as OHP, ATF, or FPS mean in regards to lifting? And, no, you can't go to /fit to find out. The incels, the most hilariously assblasted group of internet people besides basement-dwelling, atheist neckbeards (but I repeat myself), the landwhales, an ever-growing percentage of lolcows, and socially introverted whose pockets spill so much spaghetti it could sustain Italy through a nuclear holocaust are the harbingers of this movement. Only it's less of a movement like the Civil Rights and more like a bowel movement.

In the scientific study of lolcows, a field we shall call kektology, scholars have done little to distinguish these groups from other such as abstinents and virgins. I'll bring it upon myself to undertake this arduous task. Virgin is the phylum, under the species of lolcows. Class is where it starts to differentiate. This is where we get abstinents, incels, landwhales, and the all around sexually disabled. The differences among them are that abstinents, by very definition, are voluntary. Though this may be a lie, as virgins as a whole tend to be very poor liars with weak egos, so they will do almost anything to protect and excuse their lack of dick wettening or pussy plumbing. Incels, again by definition, are men who don't understand they're not nice guys, are unironically bigoted, smell bad, look like the dark side of Jupiter, and couldn't grow a personality if it were a malignant cancer. These are exclusively male. Landwhales are exclusively female, tend to be feminist, just as, if not fatter than their male counterparts, can only subsist off desperate betas and Jamal for sexual gratification, have ungodly high levels of unwarranted self importance, and have their hair died an unnatural shade. Fat women never get laid. If they do, they are liars. If they get pregnant, the child will most likely bark when born. Some may argue that chubby girls are not necessarily landwhales but deserve classification. That is why I will do this in the term landorca. Sure, they're technically not whales, but they're still fucking massive.

What makes it funny is how badly interpreted sex is and exaggerated it is. It's like these people just watch porn, oh, who am I kidding, that's gross because no one likes 3D women, amirite? Anywho, they watch hentai, take from it all those screams, squeals, and overall obnoxious noises that overdo and devalue an actual intimate act in sex and think, hey, that's how it must be! The only time women scream during sex is if they're freaks, no one is home, and/or they've started to come back to. If your man screams during sex, either his pelvis is being crushed under your gargantuan, cellulite-riddled hips or the sex is so terrible he's recovered repressed memories of sexual abuse. If you write sex scenes in this manner, you are almost guaranteed to be underage and your mom should take away your internet privileges for a week after she's done putting my hotdog in her sideways mouth. If you're not underage, you are mentally so and must commit yourself to remedial classes to adapt you for a life not on mummy's teat. I'm sure that imagery has gotten a few of you aroused.

Next, it is difficult to bring a woman to orgasm. The first step is foreplay to moisten her up. This can be kissing, caressing, fingering, playing with her breasts, cunnilingus, rubbing, grinding, and so on. Then you slide it in. In any position, you're not immediately going to just go right in no matter how many times you've had sex. You're going to struggle to find the target. For the virgins reading this, aim lower than you're thinking, like right before ass level. I'm not just shitting on lemon writers, I'm giving you helpful sex advice! And there is nothing as unappealing as dry vagina, it's like a water slide against your flesh. You'll lose skin, it isn't fun, and it should absolutely be wet. You go slow at first, not fuck like animals from the get go. You'll hurt her and give your dick an Indian sunburn. And don't just jam it in, most girls don't like that unless its some real primal fucking, which takes time in most relationships to get to. Slow and steady, folks. Same thing with foreplay, it's about sensation and pace, not erratic speed and asymmetry. Additionally, it has never once happened in my numerous sexual escapades that I've stayed in the whole time. It's going to slip out. My first time it happened three or four times. Pro-tip: don't say, "Awkward," like I did each time, it will be awkward and you have to rebuild the mood. Moving on, you'll get used to the depth of your stroke. I've gone off topic but, rest assured, that experience of having sex or talking with someone who has had sex will help you write better. Plus, it'll help you when you have sex and, in absolutely all honesty, sex is great but it isn't this life-changing event it's touted as. But why is this only a straight scene? Why not man-on-man? Girl-on-girl? Muhammad on 9-year-old Aisha? That actually transitions to my next point.

A particularly horrible genre of the lemon is the more degenerate areas. And I anticipate I'll be getting angry messages or reviews from authors personally afflicted with the gay but, in all honesty, they're starting to an hero at the realization that their sexuality is the most interesting thing about them and it, depressingly, isn't a personality. Seriously, gay people, whenever evangelicals criticize homosexuality, they're smart enough to use 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 that outline shitty acts and homosexuality is among them. If that criticized everything but that, no one would disagree. But it does and you take it as personal attacks. If these evangelicals used arguments that pertained to me, instead of autistically screeching and getting more assblasted than my boyfriend makes me, I'd rebut them. You can't do that because no gay person I've ever met has a better reason than I'm gay so just deal with it. Why is it that we automatically assume these so-called oppressed groups are right to live the way we do when it is mainstream ways of living that have made society what it is and improved it? There is nothing morally superior about you for sucking or licking the same genatalia you have and, in fact, I'm beginning to think you're worse for how your entire, unlikable personality is wrapped in being gay. Not saying I'm homophobic but the way the LGBT community tries to defend how shitty their members are just because of their gay card, you're not doing any favors.

Back to FanFiction, the gay and lesbian scenes of lemons are the worst just for how graphically written they are and wasn't I typing this with my shirt on a second ago? Seriously, the only thing more fucked up than them is rape stories. Moving on this topic, gay sex writing is almost exclusively an endeavor of landwhales/orcas and closet pedophiles. And they're essentially canon rapists, forcing otherwise heterosexual characters into sex acts they would not normally consent to. But muh imagination! Your imagination can't even make a good sex scene, how can you use that withered husk as a defense? Why do the brothers from Supernatural have to fuck? Why is Sonic fucking Tails? Does Tails have one or two anuses, I need to know! And the laziest cop out of all is the "don't like yaoi/yuri/monika, don't read" rebuttal. Bitch, I will read My Immortal for the laughs, I'll read yours for the exact same reason. Plus, you have to write beyond a niche or you're purely a hack writer. You have no expandable skills nor are you a good writer just because you pander to a demographic. Go ahead, tell us that not liking dry butsex scenes is on us, not you, it doesn't cover up your weaknesses. I'm a troll, it's what we do and we'll be honest in how shitty you are. Telling people who don't like your shitty passion to fuck off does two things: 1) Brings in more trolls. 2) Makes you look like an incompetent writer who can't handle genuine criticism because you're too fragile for different opinions or tastes.

Lesbian writers are all 13-year-old boys physically or mentally. There are no two ways around this issue. Everyone knows hot lesbians don't exist, let alone have sex. You should all be grounded but you won't because your parents are fighting again and don't give a shit about you.

Gay writers are all lonely women above the age of 25 who own more than 3 cats in their studio apartment. Most likely holding a worthless liberal arts degree, having an unnatural hair color and BMI, a Tumblr account, and some form of hatred towards the superior sex in men (why do you think God created us first?). They are also more oppressed incels than the Chad they insult as such. For the few men who do write gay fa fiction, they are all pedophiles. Every single one. Without exception. Arguing this point outs you as such.

The most troubling aspect of this is the animal fucking. And not just in the sense of My Little Pony, FanFiction's creepiest board, but all around anything with animals involved. And not specifically bestiality, either. There are a good number of stories of animals (Pokemon, Warriors, MLP, etc.) fucking each other for your viewing horror/amusement, you sick fucks. I genuinely fear for the pets that are forced to be around you. You're the Jeffrey Dahmers of humane societies. I'm terrified to even look up a childhood favorite like Henry and Mudge or the Bearenstein Bears on this herpes outbreak of a website's search bar for what I may find.

As alluded to prior, the most cursed board of this site is the MLP fandom. There is not one redeeming thing about it, just like the MLP board on 4chan. It should not exist, it should be nuked from the site, and people who even search the word MLP into any search bar should immediately be swatted and executed so they don't contaminate well-adjusted human beings. These people are not people, they are sub-human, gateway dealers to the furries, the harbingers of Hell itself. And it's not even works like Cupcakes I'm talking about, the entire genre is needlessly fucked up for no reason. With Cupcakes, it's purposeful shock factor. The rest, it's blatantly vulgar or perverted, not for a reaction, but because people actually get off to the idea of horses drinking each other's piss or doing a role reversal of Mr. Hands.

I'll never not take a shot at anime so, once again, the entire anime genre is full of desperate perverts. Yeah, it's not all anime fans, but the issue with this argument for anime fans, furries who say that it isn't about yiffing nor thinking you're actually an animal, or people who say they write fan fiction for an actual creative purpose besides making their OC fuck their waifu up the butt. Every group besides these ones are good at presenting the image to the world of who they stereotypically are. You don't see groups being as plagued as these ones by bad raps. Yeah, groups have experienced this time and again and been normalized, like rock, rap, punk fans and numerous other fandoms. The issue is they fought against this and disproved it, by and large, to be untrue in the overwhelming majority of cases. The problem with anime fans, fan fiction writers, and furries is they haven't done a good job of that PR. Anime fans, no matter what, you'll always be stuck with the image of fat, acne-riddled neckbeards who can't get laid and are immensely perverted. It's inescapable, I know many anime fans and they accept they can't escape this stigma and they're smart enough to at least keep it private or quiet. The out-and-proud anime fans are all weebs, the ones giving them bad names. They're no different than overly flamboyant flamers or New Atheists, they give the rest of decent members like them the shit end of the stick they don't deserve purely because they're a large enough majority (yes, they are a majority in any case, none of these groups have any right to claim they're a vocal minority, nor does virtually any group) that they skew this.

Same with furries, I've met but never befriend furries who do it because they like the costumes. Kids like costumes too, they grow out of it. Adults do too, for Halloween and that's usually for dumb, drunken fun. But the majority of furries believe they are animals, this is why otherkin is another blot on society. The majority of furries are into bestiality. The majority of furries want to fuck their pets or people in animal costumes. And cosplayers get no pass, so don't fret, furries. They're either weebs or people so massively uninteresting and crippling awkward they have to adopt the persona of actually well-developed, rounded characters to be accepted. Go ahead, argue with me that none of that is true. The fact you feel the need to defend yourself against asinine comments in the first place shows more about your conscience than my shitposting ever could.

Finally, fan fiction writers as a whole, you guys can't escape the notion you're all smut peddlers. Sorry, ain't gonna happen, that stigma is not going anywhere anytime soon. And it's because, when I search "lemon" in the search bar at time of writing, I come up with over 79,000 results. The majority, believe it or not, are in the anime section. Yes, just as shocking as when a weeb dies alone in their late 20's. Yes, there are millions of stories on this site but that doesn't hide the fact that I only found stories that explicitly stated lemon in their description. Who knows how much of the stories on this site are basically bad porn? Even if it isn't the majority, it's what we all know of fan fiction's notoriety. Those and self-inserts, which go handjob-in-blowjob with lemons, are what everyone thinks about this shit. Anecdotal case in point, I tried to get my now ex to read My Immortal. I described what it was, the worst fan fiction ever written, and she outright refused to read it because all fan fiction was was gay porn. Aside from My Immortal, she wasn't wrong. And this was a gril who never so much as touched or read one.

I see two, equally shitty arguments against me. Either, A) I'm a puritanical asshole who can't handle people being creative, or B) I'm a Critics United shill. The first argument is fucking retarded because, well, look at my language, I'm pretty vulgar, cunt. I have my limits to the shit I'll endure, though, I'm a desensitized fuck who's read about the Holocaust, Nanking, and many atrocities of humanity, your writing makes me cringe more than that. So congrats, you've shown I have a moral compass, still. Plus, just because you're being creative doesn't mean you're above criticism. Much like the "don't like, don't read" twats, the people who throw this out are massive pussies who can't handle any jokes at their expense and whose parents demand apologies from kids' parents when they laugh at them. The next one is even more retarded because CU only cares about the rules. At least one of the leaders has an incredibly shitty series of lemons that make sex seem so unappealing it should be read aloud in sex ed classes so abstinence becomes the most widely used form of birth control.

So, yeah, maybe I'll be more regular in my approach to uploads. Probably not, this is just shitposting so it comes to me and I'll write when it does. I'm open to suggestions, I'm not doing hit pieces on authors unless they are really egregious pieces of shit. Here are people I'll do pieces on:

Members of Critics United

Can't handle criticism

Lemon writers

Weebs

Those who make blatant uses of propaganda in their stories

Arrogant people (ie people who treat this like it's YouTube or act like anything they do on this site matters)

SJW's

People who leave bitchy comments because it didn't give them the outcome they, the reader, wanted (ie every Death Battle's review sections)

You get the idea. It's not for just a friend you're having a falling out with on the site or that guy who dissects every chapter, though he's kind of a cunt if he is doing that. Otherwise, yeah, that and I'll take suggestions for genres or even stories you want done. Until next time, let's Make FanFiction Great Again. Nah, just kidding the objective awfulness of this site is the only thing that draws traffic. Eh, not as good an ending line, I'll work on it.


	3. Critics United: THE Lolcow

Well, my children, it's time I exit my winter den as, for whatever reason, the good lord has blessed us with no snow. And, since the New Year is creeping up, I thought I'd give gifts to this community. I'd first like to thank a guest reviewer for the gift of a quite lulzy copypasta, you sir are gifted with the ability to be based. For the rest of you, gather around but don't sit on grandpa's lap because he still has that probation in effect until the end of the year. We're all going to sit back, have some hot cocoa and guffaw next to the fire at the most commonly and unanimously hated group of FanFiction. Boys and girls, today we're talking about Critics United.

Once more, we will first go through the classification and taxonomy of these lolcows. Critics United, or CUnts as they're called by the glorious shitposting kings on Encyclopedia Dramatica, are distant relatives of vultures and buzzards. While they have evolved into their own species, CUnts carry several traits of their cousins. Both feed on putrid, rotten flesh with ease, both circle the dead and dying, and both piss on their legs to keep cool. No srsly. The notable difference between them is in what they feed on. Vultures and buzzards are indiscriminate eaters, doing the jobs no other creature would do in cleaning up the corpses. CUnts are more unique in that, while still consuming putrid shit, they refuse to eat the exact same shit under certain parameters. While arbitrary, the shit they will not eat and even exhibit hostility towards includes: lists, Q&A's, script and text format, quality content. The best analogy for their consumption of a diet known as "content" to us in kektology is that of shit itself. While the rest of us eat shit, there's must have sprinkles on it. They remain unaware that not only are they still eating shit, they're eating shit just like the rest of us.

These creatures also have a spiritual worldview not unlike Buddhism. While they do not worship a creator or any deity or deities, they adhere to a divine scripture known aptly as The Rules. It's at this point their view swerve towards Abrahamic faith in how ardently and ferociously they'll defend this scripture against heresy, not unlike Pharisees or Wahabis. In this, they are a cult as well as a unique species, a rare lolcow alongside weebs, atheists, and preschoolers. Much like preschoolers, they will screech autistically when they don't get their way and demand that, with no actual proof to back their claims, they know what is right and wrong. Their ancestry also has bits of pirahna in them, for they feed in packs on larger prey. This is what has made the otherwise forgettable lolcows of Critics United notable, their pack mentality. When prey is found, like a cat, they toy with it before killing and consuming. They will first pen a review, often several, and list the infractions the author has made like they're Martin goddamn Luther. Once they nail their 99 Feces, they give them time to mull on their sage and think about how to better themselves as authors. This to say, the author pisses themselves in laughter, often telling the CUnts to fuck off in the process or outright ignoring them like the opposite sex. The next step is what is known as the assblasting effect. In this, CUnts will report offending stories en masse to the admins like the tattling little bitches they are. Eventually, the admins snap like their twig arms under more than a few ounces of resistance training and relent to these whining cunts just to get them to shut up. Everyone loses. CUnts will have the most depressing circle jerks in their forums over such conquests, the authors are left pissed and disenfranchised, and the admins have to actually do something.

CUnts also have the PR capabilities of a rotting squid. Their response to some of the most common forms of criticism have some good points, like how only the admins can delete stories, retards. But the other issue is how condescending and above it all they are. There is a hilarious lack of quality from their own stories, which we will get into, and we'll volley diatribes and insults upon them like the members they say don't reflect their values and then defend those same people like they're praying towards Mecca. It lends our kektologists to wonder if Literate Union and CUnts are close cousins, as they both use florid and unnecessary language as if they're practicing for their fucking GRE. Which is unlikely because that would entail these legbeards leave their basement.

And their work suffers for it as they write such niche, self-fellating garbage that only those who have their heads so far up their asses that they're re-eating that morning's breakfast have any vested interest in their projects.

Now that we've set the stage, let's meet the unbased beached elephant seals with bad haircuts who spearhead the movement. ED did a good job of mocking some of the lolcows of the movement but not the leaders, ie the retards chewing on the soft keys to the special ed forums. These include: MrGoodTwoShoes, the Egotistical Douche, ChaCha1st, the Mentally Damaged Control, DarkSacredJewelXoX, the Fallen Leader, ZadArchie, the Pretentious Professional Cocksucker, WargishBoromirFan, the Prolific Closet Pedophile, and Whimsical Symphony, the Whiny Faggot. Now that we have the players, let's dive in.

Mr. Shoes is a neither man nor shoe, not good at what he does but definitely is a two. As in IQ points, age, front teeth, and out of 10. He argues that stories should take any criticism that comes their way, that CUnts don't spite review or that they can be just as petulent as any other 12-year-old girl that keeps this hamster wheel of a site running. He then hilariously backtracks to say this account is a cover because he can't handle the waves of sweet, sweet, butthurt-fueled flaming that will ensue. His stories, based on this, will most likely be the run-of-the-mill shitty anime yaoi crossover extravaganzas or MLP, because only someone who thinks this highly of themselves when they accomplish nothing of value would write that. His Batman origin story is that he had a story removed by the admins for breaking the rules. Rather than avenge his parents and change the status quo, he allied with his parents' murderer, fucked their corpses, and demands everyone have necrophilic incest or face punishment. But he doesn't want it to come to the pain of having 20 minutes of effort deleted to the anguish of having to re-upload it. He projects his values of the rules onto everyone even though the majority of the cite wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire, nor his lackeys. He also won't message me back because I'm not meeting his standards of a civil discussion. No word yet on how he's handling CUnts catchphrasing "shitfic" and berating and insulting authors, as is their trademark. Unfortunately, he's also a victim of identity theft with people posing as him to hilarious reviewing results. No word yet on why he won't use this as a new lease on life or why anyone would want to masquerade as such a lowly, pathetic cancer of a human being. You'll be sure it's his when he writes a fucking thesis in your reviews filled with all the florid, useless jargin you'd come to expect from the class virgin.

ChaCha1st, like Mr. Hands above him, has no stories of note. But he comes off as much less an arrogant douchebag and more a trend-following coward. He's comparable to a rabbi in laying out the history and traditions of the CUnts. Unlike the Jewish people, no one will be sad when they die, least of all their rejoicing parents. He tries to argue that the admins gave us this divine ability, despite the fact that they have to spam it to infinity and fucking beyond to get those corpulent fucks to do anything. And, like every CUnt, he once more projects the rules matter and that you are the problem with them being insufferable pricks. He references his tastes (shit) and the source of his mental deficiencies (syphilis) before citing the prayer CUnts unironically recite, proving I'm not just a shitposter but an austere religious scholar. Once again, he copies what all CUnts do and parades around he spends all his free time reviewing shitty, unpublishable garbage on a Chinese crime racketeering forum. Not having the capacity of thought, spine, or creativity to make his own. ChaCha is also a man of interests, being one who likes constructive reviews (despite CUnts being known for leaving far and few between beyond citing the rules), writers who work on their stories (something he knows nothing about), writers who accept constructive criticism (yet none has been found to be left by CUnts), and writers who don't care about review counts (yet he prides himself on doing nothing but contributing to something he believes is inherently meaningless.) The irony is lost on him like a Cheeto falling into his cascading fat rolls. I find it hilarious, as a final aside, that he hates plagiarizers even though plagiarism is defined by as little as one sentence that isn't your own. Stealing a character and worlds and writing about them, something you did not create is plagiarism, you collosal fucking bedwetter. He also laments the love given to rape and incest, leading our kektologists to theorize this is how he contracted syphilis in the first place. Finally, he proceeds to bitch about things no one cares about in stories since the pigs that infest this site will eat whatever suits their fancy, because that's how it works. There is a niche for everything on this website, I hate to cite the adage of it's just not your taste but that's how it works. But that sums up how the PR man himself of CUnts presents himself: a petulant, mentally bankrupt pussy bitching about shit no one cares about on a site no one cares about.

DarkSacredJewelXoX is proof that gods can die. After a pretty weak roasting by our mad lads at ED, Jewel rebranded as just the namesake of this shitpost and dedicate her entire profile to just this cause. With a story style, such as this, it's easy to see why: "Kagome took a few deep breaths and relaxed her muscles. Inuyasha continued to work his finger inside of her. He continued using his tongue to soothe her and once he felt her muscles relax slightly, he added another finger. She immediately tensed again. He helped coax her to loosen her muscles and moved his fingers faster while sucking on her clit." Yes, this is an actual excerpt from a deleted story of hers. Go back to my lemon stories chapter and improve. Or just blow everything up because, just like all CUnts, you're massive hypocritical pussies who can't take even a minute fraction of the vitriol you spew, let alone a constructive review. In retrospect, it was for the best. Oddly, despite their propensity to pursue quality, not one CUnt leader has a problem with lemon stories, despite the fact they have the worst quality and are highest in our measurements of shame. This leads us to conclude that not only are all CUnts weebs, but degenerate, coomer weebs with no sense of quality at all and just ones who persecute outliers of those narrow tastes.

ZadArchie is one of the more professional members of the CUnts. But that's like complimenting Erwin Rommel for being the most moral Nazi. He is the latter-day Roman Emperor, when the Empire is crumbling and the government and society are in disarray, bread and circus shall become the daily norm. His efforts to keep the movement afloat are hampered by ChaCha's malformed, oversized, water-filled head sinking the raft. He merely spends his profile both praising his allegiance to Critics United like he's heading to the gallows at the fucking Nuremberg Trials, condescending to those who think he should fuck off with his rules shoved up his tight ass sideways, and trying to make friends with authors who consider his praise their profile's kiss of death. Or, more realistically, it's only more CUnts to keep their sad circle jerk alive as the blood drains from their meek wrists. Despite how much they tout that they attack lack of quality as well as lack of rule following, every single story on his top 20 lacks action and is dialogue heavy. But, unlike CUnts, I will admit these are my tastes and leave it to them to produce shitfics as I designate them. But I won't review spam or bother the fat fucks that run this shitshow. K thnx! Reread those last few sentences and add how pathetic writing for a challenge rather than a creative outlet is. Kurt Cobain hands you his shotgun. Do it, faggot.

WargishBoromirFan, who goes by Bore-a-More, is a unique specimen in that she actually has the balls to post stories. After sifting through the obligitory self-insert of da rulez and subjective shit no one cares about, we learn much of this lolcow. Not only that this is probably a dude in a dress, as we are now expected to rejoice it nowadays, she is an out-of-the-closet pedophile. Of her advanced repertoire of either short, low-effort stories and few long, short-chaptered story, she has 15 T-Rated stories. The rest of the 117 stories are all K or K+ rated. K-rated stories are the windowless vans with "free candy" spray painted on the outside. There is absolutely no reason for anyone past the age of puberty to read these stories. There is nothing of merit in them and this is an objective statement. There is no action, no major themes to be developed (as if we could expect that in 7 or less chapters of 500 word updates), no interesting conflict or language to ratchet that up, and nothing intrinsically worthwhile in reading these. Which is perfect for grade school children to read. The creepiness settles in when you realize this is someone, on the internet, proclaiming they are a woman (Rule 29), and is writing for children. Rule 30 would like to speak with you, "ma'am." So, immediately, we can disregard Bore-a-More's opinions not only as a pedophile but as a person who writes shitty fanfiction and has yet to improve.

Finally, we have Whiny Faggot himself. He is my favorite of the leaders. Not because he has good content, a good personality, good hygiene, or anything redeeming. No word if he plans to use his works for a thesis paper on the coverage of crimes against humanity. It's because he's a whiny, weak, edgy, egotistical, brooding, socially retarded mommy's boy. Just his profile alone provided me with more laughs than all of his predecessors combined. For, you see, he is the unironically worst type of person on this site. Not the shitposters, shitficcers, CUnts, or anything, the people who make their profile longer than their updates and treat it like it's a fucking journal. Faggot is a 23-year-old man (and I use that term lightly) who behaves like a rebellious 14-year-old atheist that no one understands and has so much unique pain he must endure. I'm not going to say anything else on him because I refuse to waste more breath on him than his mother did shitting him out so he can vindicate his existence by the vitriol he gets. Go, read his profile, laugh, and recover from the high of laughter with the low of reading his bleak, unimaginitive, boring, drudging exercises in ocular torture. Do us a favor: take a long leave of absence, become a better person, get a haircut, a job, a girlfriend, a useful major, and you'll never want to return. This is the worst case of unwarranted self importance I've seen since Sai.

Now, I understand, the CUnts' jimmies are rustled and they're wheezing as their fingers meticulously fly over the keyboards faster than they could ever hope to move. Not only will they report this shitpost with the unaware irony I want their attention but they'll feel the need to review and rebut me in full attire. So, let's tackle their biggest points in one go. Ladies and gentlemen, behold, the ultimate guide to rebutting Critics United. It's not hard, you literally need to have a pulse to do this. All of these points, too, will lead to one meta-argument.

**Follow the rules, faggot**

This is apparently the biggest reason for CUnts existing. The issue is they say its easy to follow the rules and still explore creativity. The problem is creativity and parameters cannot exist in the same space. Sure, people can be creative with parameters but that isn't true creativity, it's like chickens in cages. Sure, it's still a chicken but let it roam free and you have a real chicken. The rules themselves also do not give any indication to a quality story, as I will get to.

**Mary Sues**

As ED pointed out, CUnts produce bad oc's just as regularly as the rest of the self-sycophants of this site. Unless you outright ban OC's, they will never go away because every person has too big an ego to establish these characters as well as their counterparts. If they were, they wouldn't be writing fan fiction but writing works that would be incorporated by FanFiction.

**OOC**

Let us first address their slight of hand. They first say it's not impossible to follow the rules but then get pissed when characters are re-imagined or completely redone. If you can't do what you want, why bother being creative? And yes, people can still write as they want, but people will incessantly bitch until it goes down the way the reader wants. Yes, a lot of OOC stories are bad, like the majority of stories on this website. But, some can explore interesting avenues, flesh out characters better than the creator did, and just complete the story they're making better than the original versions would have and, in all honesty, those narrative can often be better.

**Text/script format**

No one fucking cares.

**OP characters**

First of all, OP is a faggot. Second, so things on Dante (yes, he's overpowered when the creator says he can heal faster than he's wounded), Saitama, or God are not allowed? Third, why does it matter? If a character reaches their full potential, like in a lot of media, they'd destroy everyone. These people often just cut to the chase. There's a reason I love watching squash matches in wrestling, they're entertaining in how they're equal parts brutal and humiliating. My current favorite is Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena, what's yours?

**Attention whores**

This coming from the people who profess their alliance to Critics United like they're the New Atheist at the Thanksgiving table?

See how easy it is to not strawman your opposition? This is coming from a guy whose name is DangerousFaggot, might I add. Finally, as I alluded to earlier, none of this comes close to making a quality story if you follow their rules and pet peeves. In fact, I'd argue it's to ones own detriment. The reason being is a simple question: what is the most famous story on this website? That's right, My Immortal. A story CUnts will not touch nor address when its brought up because it is the antithesis of their entire faith that debunks all they believe. It breaks every single rule in the book and it is easily the best story on this website. Because it is funnier than anything I've ever read. It attention whores, has the most blatant disregard for script/text formatting, has on OP character, literally no character is how they were originally portrayed, it's more fun to read than the original series, and has a much more likeable author. I still maintain to this day that not only is My Immortal a perfect satirical takedown of this website, but I'll conspiracy theorize it was the original manuscript for Harry Potter but was rejected by the publishing elitists because all of the characters were unestablished. So, J.K. Rowling, aka Tara Gillesbie's fake name, wrote the Harry Potter series, just to propel her beloved Enoby OC to stardom. Unfortunately, as this was supposed to take place around the time of Deathly Hallows, we were robbed of a true masterpiece on the silver screen. My rambling aside, this holds true everywhere. Name the most well-known stories that came out of this website. In fact, ask anyone who casually reads or just peruses memes. You get My Immortal, Halos in Space, Half-Life: Full Life Conseqeunces, Doom: Repercussions of Evil, and then just every legendary badfic in the book. No one cares about the rules. No one cares about the context. People don't even care about the goddamn legibility of the stories. They seek to be entertained and are. And CUnts can't stand people liking what they don't. They can't stand others being more popular than them despite their best efforts. And they can't stand laughter, much like a dictatorial regime.

I can take constructive criticism, I enjoy good bants and insults, and I take reviews whether they be anonymous or written with the same merit based on their words, not who is making them. I can smell the basement and Mountain Dew from here. CUnts, make my new year and do exactly as I expect you to do. As for the rest of you, let's make FanFiction great, because it never was.

I must also give my first honorary shout-out to our first Mad Lad of FanFiciton. This honor goes to none other than Lee Harvey Oswald, an expert in shitposting and making me piss myself laughing. Here's back and to the left for ya.


	4. Reviews: The Lolcow's Sustenance

Well, since campuses across this great nation or closing, Corona-chan is taking many a weak-chinned beta on a date, and you only get so much satisfaction trolling bloatards on /fit/ by posting home gym master race threads, I need something to do in my free time. Eh, let's check the latest FanFiction trends and see if there's anything to make fun of in a shitpost.

My, my, my, I leave you guys for a few weeks and the reviews are a shitshow. Personally, I like it, keep up the good work. I'll first say that feud between that Super Shadow and Hentai Kamen is glorious. I knew leaving it to suggestion who I should do one of these one would quickly devolve into lunacy but my sides are in orbit for how quickly it happened. I will do at least one suggestion given to me but it won't be on either of you because watching the shit slinging is so much funnier than anything I could write. I do also find it quite lulzy how no one is refuting any of the points I've made and is just resorting to trying to get my goat like they're Muhammad at a barn brothel. And I'm most certain the review saying I got their attention is MrGoodie2ShoesShoveUpMyAss, prove me wrong when you don't need alternate accounts to protect your complete lack of creativity and skill, you hack. But let's leave the cesspool of my review for something completely unrelated: the topic of FanFiction reviews.

Unrelated quick note, is anyone else getting PM's about supposedly hawt wahmen wanting you to go to their camsites? Or is it just me that's getting pranked because somebody sent the e-thots my way? If so, damn you.

"The review system of FanFiction is the last frontier, a heart of darkness from which few men enter and none return. Rumors of lions, tigers, overweight fanboys and titless legbeards stalking the dense forests keep even the bravest warrior at bay. An urban legend states that the first man to attempt to walk through the review sections was none other than Sai Kunai Blade. A respected colonel of the weeb division, Sai bravely strolled into the review section and has not been seen since. Rumor has it he was possessed by the spirits of review, now walking around with his head up his own ass and seeking to impress the spirits of the review like he's a freshman trying very hard to look cool to the seniors. The reviews are not to be taken lightly, as they themselves are proof of the creators totally knowing what they're doing when they created FanFiction. As such, they are considered the breeding ground for the CUnt tribes that are believed spend their time in the heart of the forest, in a swampy, caustic region known as the forums. I've never the nerve to go past the first page or two for fear of being lost, the smell of my own ass enticing me to burrow into it. I shall try to find what secrets lie within some day." -Anonymous reviewer

Normally, reviews are supposed to be a helpful piece of information from accredited sources to give a barometric gauge on a product when looked at as a whole community of reviews and reviewers. Of course, reviews are absolutely subjective and you're better off gravitating to reviewers or reviewing organizations that you most align with. And, inevitably, people will get butthurt over dissenting opinions and harass people for what they're perfectly entitled and, in fact, contractually obligated to do. Even then, reviewers today have no spine across the board. They all fall in line together and heap praise on the same shit Marvel does every single movie, give well-earned praise on the hyper-violence and style of John Wick, but will sneer in disgust at The Joker doing the exact same things to a less gratuitous level. Ultimately, the best way to know if you like something is to try it for yourself. That's what cult appeal is, liking what the egghead experts don't.

This is what reviews are supposed to be. On FanFiction, it has two hypothetical ways it's supposed to go and is closer to the latter. The creators of the site, via inspiration of burning bush and subsequent muchies, thought a review system would be similar in style to what we discussed above. Praising, criticizing, and giving feedback on the product. To some extent, this happens but it is the absolute minority. The second, perhaps revised use of the system after they realized they'd made a terrible mistake even creating this abomination, was that it would be more of a commenting system. Reviews didn't have to be thorough or thought out, they could just simply be statements of opinion or support, but avoid being glorious diatribes, random nonsense, and shitposts. Like I said, this is closer to the truth of what they are or, at least, are treated like and the kektologists estimate this is around 20% of reviews, whereas the former is only about 5%.

The remaining 75% of what the reviews are treated like is almost like what FanFiction is starting to become. The reviews are essentially treated like YouTube comments. In defense, I say essentially because there are still a few people on FanFiction that act like the reviews actually matter, but most only care because they think that more reviews equates to more popularity. Not at all the case, you can have the first issue where it's only a small but dedicated group of people trolling you. You could have the My Immortal situation where you have 10,000 god reviows and not a single one has anything positive to say (this is though, as I've said, based satire of review whores, a topic we'll get into shortly.) Or you could have nothing constructive or worthwhile in your comments, just more sheep droning, "MOAR," or posting random nonsense. This is in contrast most writers and YouTubers who don't give a shit what you have to say unless there's enough so-called "hate" for them to justify a massive sperging out.

We'll be categorizing a few species today, the first being the aforementioned review whores. Like cam whores, review whores will do literally anything for the attention daddy never gave them. Unlike people with a spine who tell you to shove your opinion up your ass, they will take your opinion and shove it up their ass like they're a cam whore with a dildo. While I may rag on cam whores a bit here, my what poor phrasing, I can give them credit where credit is due: they at least have talent. They can do things, whether it be looking good, do enough shit to rake in the cash, or act well enough like they don't completely hate themselves or that they totally had an orgasm thinking of you, pls don8, bb.

Review whores, on the other hand, are among the more pathetic lolcows of the site. And that is fucking saying something when it comes to a concept like fan fiction. This is to the point it's almost not even funny...I said almost. The way these lolcows operate is similar to an Australian death adder. They will lie motionless, wriggling only a tail that looks like a quality story to lure in readers. Once this does draw enough readers, inevitably, someone with at least one semi-functioning taste bud will criticize their story in some way. The review whore then strikes, taking its own story hostage and refusing to update, a la the 10 god reviows principle. Then, as inevitably as a simp white knights a hot blonde on Twitter, people will shower pitiful reviews on the author, telling them how special and cool they are, while telling the hoard of haters (often just 1 fair yet critical review) to fuck off into the sun. Review whores also have a massive victim complex not seen this side of literally everyone I mock. They are so good at manifesting these supposed massive groups of trolls attacking them that you wonder why this level of creativity, storytelling, and character development is absent in their stories.

But review whores are just one component of this vast ecosystem of reviews. A far more prevalent but rarely touched upon aspects of the site is the ability to anonymously leave reviews. It's really a mixed bag on this. On one hand, they carry no distinguishing features of who wrote them (it might as well be one of the infinite teenage hacks who infest the site) or any reason why they should be listened to, let alone taken seriously. And they are more likely the culprit of useless reviews of just saying either fuck you or keep up the good work. On the other hand, I think anyone who disallows them is either disingenuous or a pussy. They have a right to make their opinion known and, in all honesty, they are just as equally responsible for the best reviews as the most useless. Not in terms of structure, critique, or usefulness, no. They make the best shitposts and jokes, kind of like YouTube comments even though anonymity there is pretty much dead.

In the end, though, anonymous reviewers are less a species of lolcow and more just a subspecies of the very prominent family of whogivesafucks. Whogivesafucks are somewhat related to lolcows, based on a individual basis of who takes their opinion to seriously or leaves repeated butthurt reviews. The distinguishing is they say things people in general, apart from review whores, don't give a shit about. They're basically earthworms, they're just...there. Most of us have the common sense to ignore them, perhaps stepping over them as we do, while children and birds are the only ones who delight in their presence. Whogivesafucks can be both good and evil, showering praise upon such talent as Insert Character Here Reacts To. On the other side of the spectrum, they will harass and review spam people who ignore certain retarded parts of canon or just, you know, try to use their imagination. An organ that has long withered and died off from the Whogivesafucks.

Let's just drop this cataloging charade and get to the meat of the issue with reviews as a whole for what they're supposed to be re-purposed as besides YouTube comments. If you like the story or hate it, it tells an author nothing of substantive value. If you're doings something well, in my perspective, it doesn't matter that you praise it or point it out, we're already doing it. If you just say this sucks, you're leaving out the most important elements of a review and telling us what needs to be improved on. Sure, it's nice to have positive, glowing reviews but you don't get swol by just doing one rep on the bench because you're good at it instead of improving your curls, squats, crunches, etc. Sorry, that's an analogy that went sailing over your heads. To be more relatable to this audience I'm currently speaking to: that's like only sleeping with landwhales because beached prey is easy prey. Meanwhile, you refuse to up your standards and move on to the Stacy's because that requires work and effort. Screw it, analogies relating to you guys is impossible, none of you have ever had sex. I know, "lol, incel faggot saying I haven't had sex. The irony is so powerful its gotten rid of all the bruises from where my dad beat me for going back to this shithole."

And we can't have a complete review discussion without discussing, of course, the critics. Not Critic's United, as we've said, their usefulness is akin to their self love, worth, and control. That is to say, zero. Critics are an easily identifiable lolcow for numerous reasons. One of the biggest ones is they have a massive library of favorited stories but have not ever written anything. This leaves us to think they are the missing link between lolcows and whogivesafucks. The reason being is they think so highly of their opinion it has to be known and linked back to them, whereas whogivesafucks have the inkling that no one gives a shit. More like whogivesafucks are their complete lack of creativity and imagination, highlighted in their complete lack of their own catalog of works. Additionally, critics will personally PM the author and try to hold a conversation more agonizing than their parents having to sit through why writing fan fiction is perfectly normal and not at all something to get you fucking sectioned. Finally, critics write in a very pretentious and florid style that completely exposes why they don't write: they simply can't. The reviews even go so far as to hype themselves up and esteem them as accomplished reviewers. Bragging that you review fan fiction is a lot like bragging that you can eat cow shit, it's fucking disgusting, get a way from me.

Overall, what we can chalk the review system up to is a source of sustenance for lolcowdom on the site. Whether it be drawing in troll, attention-starved degenerates, review whores, crticis, and the generally depressing forms of existence, it is what keeps the cycle of FanFiction going. That, even as much of a cynic as I am, is laudible. Something that simple and so easy to manipulate and ruin is still doing an integral job for the site. For that, I can't help but tip my hat to the reviews. You truly are what matters. I mean, favorites and follows should but they just combine with the reviews to make this more of a less creative YouTube knock off but we already got into that.

This was a fairly short post but I feel it was only as long as it needed to be. FanFiction's review system is immensely flawed and the people feeding the system are doing no better but, at the same time, it is still one of my favorite things about the site. I hate to go back to My Immortal all the time but the reviews there are equally as funny as the story. Not counting the cringy amounts of overreacting and nonsensical hyperbole, of course. Even in my reviews, the people saying shit about me just gave me a laugh. I welcome that sort of stuff because this is literally just a burner/shitposting account for a site that's too damn hilarious not to stir that pot in. Don't take yourselves so seriously, folks, because I definitely am not. Keep it classy in the comments, folks. Until next time, let's make FanFiction great, because it never was.


	5. Internet Troll Hunter and Trolls

Why is it I only seem to come back with major events going on? I'm the winter that Punxsutawney Phil foretells of, Phil being pandemics and protests and me being the obvious entropic heat death of this godawful website. But, I have good reason to be back once more. Ladies and gentleman of Hogwarts School of Faggotry and Bitchcraft, we have a troll hunter in the dungeon. More specifically, an Internet Troll Hunter in his own basement. And a mewling child, too.

Let me first comment on the mixed emotions I'm feeling. On one hand, I'm glad such glorious shitposters like Douchebagio, Anonymale, Super Shadow 2020, and Shin KR Duelist, among several others whose names are not listed but are certainly appreciated, have reached out to me in typical shitposting fashion. I won't reveal much about the contents of our conversations beyond the fun banter we'll certainly have and the suggestion of today's current topic as well as information and sources to research. So, without further ado, let's talk about Instigating Terrible Humor and Super Shadow 2018.

Instantly Taking Hate is a notable individual of the most common form of FanFiction lolcows known as Defenders. Defenders are herbivores that get devoured by every single predator of the site. From trolls to harsh critics to even the anime pedophile (redundant, I know), they are an integral part of the site that provides a base level of the food pyramid on the website. They are the earthworms of this website. Spineless, slimy, don't mind eating dirt, rotting corpses, or shit, and die when exposed to the inhospitable environment of the outdoors. Defenders get their names from the fact they defend FanFiction as an art to everyone who doesn't give a shit. They try desperately to convince us that it's normal, not all of it is just fap fics, and self-inserts aren't all Mary Sues. While spineless, they do have the gall to ask the developmentally normative to read what they write then get defensive when we get weirded out. Defenders are quick to attack people like George R.R. Martin for attacking fan fiction as a concept but don't mind using his work to write their Digimon crossovers. Because Defenders are such spergs, flailing about like an earthworm in pain when they receive even the slightest bit of opposition, this makes them the ideal prey for trolls, the farmers of the lolcow community. It is unknown whether or not Insane Town Hossy has a pathetic earthworm or diseased, rotting clam between their legs. One thing is for certain, this, ladies and gentlemen, is a lolcow.

One thing to note of Impotent Tumultuous Hubris is the degree to which he prides himself in revealing trolls as such. As if we're supposed to care or be shocked when they're found out. Congratulations, you revealed a troll, what did this accomplish? Will it retroactively make all the anguish and harassment go away? Will it do anything to prevent this in the future? You realize how easy it is to make an account on this, right? In two days, you could easily set up three new Gmails and three new accounts with it. You're essentially cutting the head off a hydra. And, well, we'll get to his pride and joy in screencaps soon enough.

Super Shadow can be likened to the Chris-Chan of FanFiction and I don't make such a likening lightly. Chris-Chan, for the uninitiated and unwashed, is one of the biggest targets of trolling in history, second only to the Jews. Being an autistic former-man (yes, you heard me) who constantly responds to and battles his trolls now e-begging for sustenance, he's received some of the most persistent and dedicated trolls in the short lifespan of this century thus far. Events have included getting Chris to masturbate with a troll he thought was a woman (revealing his dad to be a lumberjack in the process), trolls obtaining and defacing of his beloved Sonichu medallion, drawing himself having a foursome with women in an event our historians in kektology believe is as historically certain as Inane Terrorist Hatred and Super Shadow having sex, and the infamous wars with the mad lads at Encyclopedia Dramatica. I highly recommend the read, it's essential internet material. SS 2018, obviously a Nazi, has demonstrated multiple times his inability to even get the CUnts to side with him when trying to shutdown the Man of a Thousand Accounts, Shit KR Duelist. This has included attempts to join the CUnts to ban him, posting off-topic stories in a thread in the hopes of getting him or his stories banned, and got himself banned from the forum for this. Rejected and chastised by lolcows. Why even live?

Impending Titty Hop is, as his (I choose this pronoun as women are under the coverage of men and women pretty enough to be designated as such don't use this website) profile name subtly implies, a hunter of trolls on the internet. Or is he hunting internet trolls? Or is he the internet that is hunting trolls? Or is he just retarded? Regardless of such a needlessly convoluted name, Innocent Til Hindu goes on crusades confronting trolls. What draws this to Incumbent Twat Healer and Super Shadow is a three-part assessment in this update: trolls.

Trolls are not lolcows by definition. They are the ones milking our lolcows for their precious lulz and sustaining the ungrateful elitist masses of the internet who treat our home sites as flyover sites. A troll can become a lolcow if their efforts to troll either backfire, produce no results, or fail, the degree to which they are a lolcow depends on the level of effort going into the trolling. Trolls are a sign of a healthy ecosystem, for, when a fandom has none, that means it is irrelevant and will soon collapse from the apathy of both lovers and haters alike. Certainly, a troll can take things too far and, thus, become not a lolcow but a pariah. While trolling is subjective on this matter, there are objective levels most trolls abide by whilst trolling. That said, there is nothing on FanFiction short of doxxing that is out of bounds for the rules. As you are anonymous for all but your country and username, any information given out beyond that is at the peril of the user. Because of this, trolling on FanFiction is a pastime because of how the rules are irrelevant since you can't really break them without breaking the actual law, at least in the US where disagreeing with a black transgender Muslim isn't a hate crime. All you're doing is making fun of what authors reveal about themselves and their writing/writing style.

Trolls can produce some truly incredible work on the site. They themselves, along with Harry Potter puritans, are what launched My Immortal into the stratosphere of FanFiciton lore and prestige. But what trolls have most notably accomplished is giving Into Thai Handjobs such a sense of unwarranted self importance that it gives e-girls a run for their fucking v-bucks. Inviting 'Til Hostile, like many of the most prominent lolcows of the site, has no stories to show for his efforts but instead uses the arts in other ways. And his work is very artistic, very much on the artistic spectrum, if you catch my drift. He will upload dozens of screenshots, like he's the fucking Keemstar of FanFiction, exposing trolls as such through their conversations, which I'll link along with my sources at the end of this update. The problem with this is it does nothing because so many of the people I've talked to engaged in this have so many different accounts I can't even keep them straight. Like I said, like chopping the head off a hydra. And, as I've made clear in other chapters, to accuse people on this site of plagiarism is stripped of all meaning by two key things. One, this site is nothing but plagiarism, why is it bad when a troll, for obviously comedic purposes, plagiarizes a story but not when writers themselves steal characters, plots, and ideas from other sources of media wholesale? Extreme hypocrisy is the only answer.

As a quick tangent to defend my good boy, the Man of 2000 Accounts, geniusinmath, has a scathing takedown written of him by Gigabyte. Gigabyte, let's get one thing straight, you are shit at OC's, you are most certainly a beta writer, you pencil-necked cuck. Your attempts at making OC's are blatantly wish-fulfilling Mary Sues that serve no plot or substative purposes to give you the life you so desperately believe you deserve but no deity would ever bestow upon you, even in the coldest days of their underworlds. Gigabyte is most likely a young teenager when one digs through his profile. He has useless games to play like we're this is 2010 Facebook where we have to prove our friendship to an unstable 14-year-old girl. Homework is only useless if you don't do it nor retain any of the key details from it. I say, as a future educator, you are thick as pig shit and every single teacher would be ejaculating over themselves to say what I'm going to say to you. Homework is used as a means to assess your knowledge of a subject. Certainly, bad teachers exist and the homework they give out will likely be useless knowledge. But this only highlights your immaturity and ignorance. Let's not even get into your Friends/Best Friends criteria since you have neither and human interaction is to you what a love bite is from a hippo. But the beauty of the hypocrisy and idiocy of Gigabyte is highlighted in his morals, in which he lists two things, so we can safely assume these are the two things that matter most. Not bullying and not being racist. Then he proceeds to post retarded, cringe copypasta about bullying Justin Beiber off a ledge. "bUt FaGgOt, he was only joking!1Eleven!One1!" Well then that's my excuse if he tries to commit hungry hungry hippos in the medicine cabinet. You're either philosophically inconsistent or consistent, simple as that. And by his standards, we can have no problems with murder, rape, pedophilia, or being a weeb. The standard is the standard. And I've accomplished more in an extended paragraph than you did in a thesis-level forum post.

Now with that diatribe out of the way, back to laughing at people more politely. Throughout the screenshots Ihop Tonight wHore posts, one immense thing besides who gives a fuck pops up. To put this in the simplest academic terms, he's a fucking idiot. Super Shadow 2020, throughout the entirety of the screenshots, didn't break character once. Yes, I did read it in Shadow's voice and it made me commit nose exhale. It was glorious trolling. And Impotently Tiny Head continued taking the bait throughout the exchange and extracted only a confession. And all it cost him was the dignity of anyone not hiring him for his services, unlike his mother, who has no dignity due to the people hiring her for her services. Anonymale took on the character of some cowardly, self-preserving vigilante from the shadows that gave us some of Cunter's most self-rigtheous lines to date. And with a lolcow herself in Atarya QueenofEgypt, Intent to Hiss shows perhaps either his greatest flaw or how deeply his ego runs: he fucking entertains and sustains trolls by continuing to talk to them. The point of banning someone is so you don't have to listen to them again. The only arguments to defend yourself you can make for continuing to talk to trolls you know are trolls is for the sake of your own ego (which the screenshots lend much evidence to) or you're fucking dense (another distinct possiblity.) The most basic rule of not only the internet but life is the sticks and stones metaphor. Block them out and they have no power. That's honestly the most that most trolls have in their arsenal. Provided they don't know where you live. Throughout any of these cases Intense Twilight Hump only highlights how he has extracted a confession and "exposed" these trolls when anyone with an IQ above a dead gnat could fucking do that. The only people dumber than him are the people who hire him.

In the process of making this update, I've realized that trolling is alive and well on FanFiction. But what troubles me is not the opposition but rather the in-fighting amongst the trolling community. My children of trolling, look upon me, as I have come down Mount Cyanide with the 10 Commandments our lord has given to us. And I'm finna bust these tablets because you're breaking a cardinal rule of our beliefs: never become a lolcow. Trolls can obviously have disagreements and even troll one of their own when they become lolcows. But what I see in some of the conversations trolls have shared with me whilst fighting other trolls is disheartening. While you didn't give I'm Totally Hot what he wanted beyond a confession (as if that affects anything), I'm still worried by the degree to which you all spend manipulating (thought it was hilariously done to the Egyptian lolcow) and trolling each other. Trolling is about camaraderie and fraternity, we should be embracing our fellow trolls and joining forces. My fellow trolls, if we divide ourselves, we will fall. And without us, FanFiction will merely go out with a wimper shortly, rather than go on for many years and end with a spectacular bang. And do you want people as pretentious as Gigabyte and Impolite to Honkies to win?

Thanks for reading, everyone. This is a shorter post but it was as long as I felt it needed to be to cover the bases I wanted to get through. The links to the screenshots are on I'm running This joke into a Tomb (Interent Troll Hunter's) profile and Shin KR Duelist posted a great list of the lolcowdom of Super Shadow 2018 in the reviews, go ahead and check those. I'll see you all soon, hope everyone is safe but still enjoying their summer. And, together, let's make FanFiction great. Because it never was.


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